The road to marriage is not irreversible

This email has some of the best moments of any email my parents have sent me. This was on the eve of A. going to meet my parents to "ask for my hand" or whatever, and this email from my dad came shortly after the preceeding email from my mom. And no, there was no #5.

Usually a man will propose to a woman under a few
scenarios: 1. He is ready. 2. He feels someone else
may take over his position. 3. His lover may go for
someone else. Is there “someone else” now exist?
Or is there anyone else you have in your mind? Now is
a good time to think it over and to find out.

The road to marriage is not irreversible. But it is
easier to change mind earlier that later. If you have
any doubt, it is never late to find out. One of the
best times to find out will be the time before we meet
A. tomorrow. We can always to give him an excuse
that we prefer a cool down period. One of the benefit
of having an engagement before the wedding is to have
additional time to think everything over again.

Several things that need to compromise in the
marriage:

1. Careers: Whose career is more important? Where
should you live? A. probably can only work in NYC,
SF or Boston

2. Children: How many and when to have children. Does
he like to raise children? How much is he willing to
spend for children’ education, especially for
college? Did A. go to UC because of money issue?

3. Money: Budgeting, expenses and investment. How is
his current spending habit? How much debt, if any,
does A. has? Will you be able to keep your
pre-marriage money by yourself? The money currently in
your accounts is a substantial amount. How to invest?
How much risk is each one of you willing to take to
achieve higher return in the long run? If there is any
loss occurred, how will he handle it? What is his
attitude about solving debt issue if it ever occurred?
How will he react if either one of you had lost you
job?

4. Domestic work: How much work is A. willing to
contribute? Had he ever helped you before?

5.
6. Religion: You are neither Catholic nor Judaism.
Will that cause any difficulties?

on being street smart

There are two kinds of smart people, one is ‘book smart’ and the other is ‘street smart’. You, girls, are always ‘book smart’. To be ‘street smart’ is not easy. “Street smart’ has two kinds of definitions, one is narrow such as in the quizzes and the other one is more general. The general definition of ‘street smart’ people I think is for people who know how to love themselves and protect themselves.

Important questions to answer about one's boyfriend, written by my mom

1. Did A. have good temper and patience? Temper and patience are
very important when both of you have some conflicts needed to be resolved in
a peaceful and rational way.
2. Did A. have domestic violence tendency? Sometimes if his father
has the tendency, he will follow the same way.
3. Did A. have any bad habits such as smoking, drinking and
gambling?
4. Is A. a man chauvinist? A person with man chauvinist will always
look down on women. He can not tolerate the wife is better then him. He is
only proud of his achievement, never proud of wife's achievement.
5. Does A. respect you and your feeling? Is he a considerate person?
6. Does his family love you and respect our Chinese culture? Some
American people think other races inferior.
7. Is he an optimistic person and hard working guy?

My mom then called me to "review" these questions over the phone.

an email to my sister (where "C" is me)

We had great talk with A. last night. He told us a lot about his past. Both dad and I mentioned to him that we prefer him to get at least a master degree. Without an advance degree, he may lose his job security in about 10 year. At that time, C. will be the only bread maker at home. If they have children, C. won't have the choice to stay home to take care of the children for six months or a year. It is too much burden for C. This was what has happened to T's aunt who was so stressful and got breast cancer at age 35.

an email to my sister about some family friends

K.'s husband is Vietmee. Both K. and K's sister were married to Asia smart guys. K.'s mom told me that both K. and K's sister found Asia guys more cultural compatible and easy to communicate with. K's sister had very happy marriage. We hope you will do the same way. :)

more about license to wed

Recently I saw a movie called ‘License to wed’. It was funny and very inspiring. There are three important issues which couples need to think about before the wedding. The three issues are fight, in-laws and communication. When you get bored and need some fun time, both you and A. can go out to watch this movie. There are always some arguments between couples. Good fight will enhance your relationship.

an email to my sister

Since you are so far away from home, take good care of yourself. Be street smart. Do not drive alone at night. Always go out at night with friends. In California, there are Vietnam gangsters' problems and Mexican drug people.